I think I am going to be ok!

DO you ever feel like there is a big black cloud over your head and it just won't sway even a tiny bit away to the left or right? I just feel like no matter how hard I try it just sits over me, and follows me everywhere!
I have not had a GREAT day in about 2 weeks. When my shin started hurting and I couldn't run, I became really down and sad. As you know and as I have said so many times, it's not about the "EXERCISE", but THERAPY for me. Running goes deep for me as it gives me this feeling of peace, and a connection with God. No other piece of cardio can do that for me. Well on top of that I had some personal things going on and so you can only imagine that with no outlet and no running, the hurt and pain I am dealing with is MAGNIFIED. Look, we ALL go through our share of difficult times in our life. I have always been a VERY positive person who looks to the future. Regardless of what goes on, I always smile and brush things off. What I have learned is that brushing things off and tucking them away in your mind is so unhealthy for you. hurt and sadness should be expressed in some form, becuase if not, it will eat your heart out, take over your thoughts and leave you feeling sick, depressed and paralyzed (mentally). I decided that it was time to face all my angry thoughts, sad thoughts and negative things going on inside my brain and start talking about them to someone. I have the most amazing husband, mother, sister and friends, but they love me, I need someone who does not know me and has no objectives. So after 2.5 hours of searching for someone, I found a great match! I meet with her on Friday to get the process rolling. Just like I rid my body of toxins, and take such good care of myself on the outside, it's time to clean house on the inside- of my brain that is!

This past Monday was probably the worst day as I broke down and cried a few times. I went to the gym and figured that my leg was not bothering me, there was no swelling or aching, so why not try to run? Well, I am happy to report that I was able to run 3.10 miles! I feel as if my leg NEVER even hurt! The strangest feeling! Quite honestly, I know that God was on my shoulder for those 3 miles. He knows how bad I needed that release and I believe from all the prayers, he finally answered mine! I was so happy.

Tuesday, I worked out and did the StairMONSTER for 40 minutes, and still no pain.... I am feeling great physically! Today I ran again 3.10 miles and again I felt incredible. Even if it's just for the time I am running, I believe that while I am running and reflecting and sweating, I am also releasing sadness, depression and hurt. So a little each day I am trying to feel better and think better thoughts. I haven't been like this for YEARS. Depression is weird. One minute I feel FINE and the next minute I feel as if I can't control the tears, loneliness and sadness. I fought the tears today, and was successful. I hope that after therapy it gets easier.

I am open and honest with you all, because I know no other way. I am a wellness coach. In order for me to be "WELL" I need to communicate to you all, because maybe one of you are going through the same thing.

Here are some signs YOU may depressed.

Depression varies from person to person, but there are some common signs and symptoms. It’s important to remember that these symptoms can be part of life’s normal lows. But the more symptoms you have, the stronger they are, and the longer they’ve lasted—the more likely it is that you’re dealing with depression. When these symptoms are overwhelming and disabling, that's when it's time to seek help.

Common signs and symptoms of depression

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
• Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
• Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
• Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
• Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
• Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
• Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

I never knew there were different types of depression, but here they are:

Types of depression

Depression comes in many shapes and forms. The different types of depression have unique symptoms, causes, and effects. Knowing what type of depression you have can help you manage your symptoms and get the most effective treatment.

Major depression

Major depression is characterized by the inability to enjoy life and experience pleasure. The symptoms are constant, ranging from moderate to severe. Left untreated, major depression typically lasts for about six months. Some people experience just a single depressive episode in their lifetime, but more commonly, major depression is a recurring disorder. However, there are many things you can do to support your mood and reduce the risk of recurrence.

Atypical Depression

Atypical depression is a common subtype of major depression. It features a specific symptom pattern, including a temporary mood lift in response to positive events. You may feel better after receiving good news or while out with friends. However, this boost in mood is fleeting. Other symptoms of atypical depression include weight gain, increased appetite, sleeping excessively, a heavy feeling in the arms and legs, and sensitivity to rejection. Atypical depression responds better to some therapies and medications than others, so identifying this subtype can be particularly helpful.

Dysthymia (recurrent, mild depression)

Dysthmia is a type of chronic “low-grade” depression. More days than not, you feel mildly or moderately depressed, although you may have brief periods of normal mood. The symptoms of dysthymia are not as strong as the symptoms of major depression, but they last a long time (at least two years). These chronic symptoms make it very difficult to live life to the fullest or to remember better times. Some people also experience major depressive episodes on top of dysthymia, a condition known as “double depression.” If you suffer from dysthymia, you may feel like you’ve always been depressed. Or you may think that your continuous low mood is “just the way you are.” However, dysthymia can be treated, even if your symptoms have gone unrecognized or untreated for years.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

There’s a reason why so many movies and books portray rainy days and stormy weather as gloomy. Some people get depressed in the fall or winter, when overcast days are frequent and sunlight is limited. This type of depression is called seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Seasonal affective disorder is more common in northern climates and in younger people. Like depression, seasonal affective disorder is treatable. Light therapy, a treatment that involves exposure to bright artificial light, often helps relieve symptoms.

I am not sure where I stand. I know I cry one minute uncontrollably and the next minute I am laughing with my husband. I feel paralyzed and helpless at times, but NEVER think of death or suicide. I have no appetitie and my workouts are blah, besides the running. I hate leaving my house and don't want my friends to see me like this. I don't want sympathy from them, I just feel like I need to be in my house to hide. On my IPOD, I downloaded an amazing song that I would listen to on my long runs- By Whitney Houston...Take a listen and below are the words.....I have not listened to it in a while but the past two weeks I try to listen to it everyday. When she sings and says "I look to you"- she is referring to the big man upstairs- GOD.

As I lay me down Heaven hear me now
I'm lost without a cause After giving it my all

Winter storms have come And darkened my sun
After all that I've been through Who on earth can I turn to

I look to you
I look to you

After all my strength is gone In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

Yeah, And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song

I look to you

'bout to lose my breath There's no fighting left
Sinking to rise no more Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken Lead to my regret
And I don't know if I'm gonna make it Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you
I look to you

Yeah And when all my strength is gone In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

Oh yeah And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song

I look to you

(my levies have broken, my walls have come) Coming down on me

(crumbling down on me) All the rain is falling

(the rain is falling, defeat is calling) Set me free

(i need you to set me free) Take me far away from the battle
I need you Shine on me

I look to you
I look to you
After all my strength has gone in you I can be strong
I look to you
I look to you
and when melodies are gone In you I hear a song
I look to you

Beautiful words, huh? Well, just so you know, just putting this on my blog was helpful to me, to get it out! I know with the love and support of my husband, and family and close friends, I will be ok. One day at a time. I have been under some dark clouds before maybe not this dark, but I have and I have faith that I will get through this and be JUST FINE!

Here is a prayer I knew since I was little, My mom always had this one where we could see it.

Starting tomorrow, I will be blogging the things you love to read all over again!